perfectionism killed my ambition

I'm in a constant battle with myself to be perfect, so perfect it kills my confidence - my ambition.  Today, I allowed my spirit to break and sat in silence as I moped around wondering how I could be a better photographer, a better mother, a better person.

I've come a long way over the years but today the need for perfection, the need to be the very best and to do the very best just about had me giving up my love for photography.  Tomorrow is a new day.

"Mom & Dad, listen -- this song is sad"

Yet again, we enter a new phase of growth for you and a new phase of sheer emotion for both.  Most of the time you have been unable to feel the emotion coming from another person.  If you have felt it or noticed it, it was because you had been taught that a smile means happiness, a tear means sadness and a loud voice meant anger.  But recently, I've seen you feel emotion from me as well as emotion in song and on T.V.  it's a bit overwhelming for me to see because I've never really seen it from you.  While I have hoped for you to get to this point, I have also worried how it would all work out when you started really feeling the emotion of events happening around you.  While we're making strides, we're still not all the way with feeling emotions as the other day during an emotional sound byte on The Biggest Loser, daddy & I were in tears and you just stared at the T.V. and wondered why we were crying.  And just when we thought you were crying during a sound byte later on in the show you turned to me to tell me you were only in tears because daddy passed gas and it stunk.  -- Oh Ashley!

You continue to make us laugh on a daily basis and even though home work hour is like groundhogs day and the worst part of our time together -- I still wouldn't trade it for a thing.  You make me stronger, you push me to have the utmost patience and you make me think of new ways to make learning fun and approachable.  I am thankful for you and your adult-like personality.

I am holding on tight hoping the next nine years don't move as fast as these first nine years.  And no matter how old, every year around this time -- I start to cry and get emotional about you growing up.  It is hard to believe that in just a few months, you will be bridging to a junior in girl scouts and entering the summer as a 4th grader.

Everyone told us it would go by fast.  I never really believed them until recently when I blinked my eyes and you turned nine.

sometimes you gotta just be YOU!

sometimes you gotta just be YOU!!  No ADHD altering medications -- just YOU.  The days are longer, the moments more challenging but the payoff is worth it.  Your smile lights up the sky, your laugh infectious, your hugs are the size of giants and your love the size of mountains.  Daddy says, "He loves these days."  I do too. 

Girl, you're amazing -- just the way you are!

xoxo,
mommy & daddy

Your "Golden" Birthday

A friend taught me a few years back how every person has one golden birthday in their lifetime.  It sounded interesting to me so I further investigated the topic and found that it's true.  Your golden birthday is the age of the date you were born and is suppose to be the most magical birthday in your life.  I'm sad to say I don't remember much about my golden birthday as it happened on my very first year.  However, for Ashley, it's a different story.  She was born on the ninth day of the month and would have the opportunity to enjoy and remember her ninth birthday.

Knowing it was just around the corner, we planned for the best birthday yet. We started the day off with a party at Chuck e Cheese and followed it up with a slumber party by inviting Ashley's cousin, Kayla, a few friends from school, gymnastics and girl scouts.

The party at Chuck e Cheese was a smashing success and had a mix of family, girl scout friends, school friends and Gymnastics friends in attendance.  It went by so fast though, we barely had time to open presents and pull the pinata strings from your pinata.  With help from your cousin and a friend, we quickly organized everything and headed home to prepare for your slumber party.

"Ding Dong."  This was the so called buzzer that started your first ever slumber party.  You ran to the door and eagerly answered it.  five more doorbell sounds later and everyone was ready to celebrate your birthday and enjoy a night full of laughs, food, dancing and more.  We started off the party by handing each of your friends a gift for coming.  It was a new and cozy blanket to use during the night and to take home with them.  This was definitely a hit and everyone walked around all night carrying their blanket.  We followed up with a couple of rules and your one and only rule that night was NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO TOUCH MY ELF, ROSY BOB!  In my head, I was thinking there is no way this could happen as Rosy Bob was perched at the top of our nine foot Christmas tree.

I ordered a pizza thinking I'd be the worst mom on the planet if I didn't feed you girls something more than chips, smores and popcorn.  I decided to throw in an order of bread sticks for me.  The pizza delivery man arrived and mistakenly rang the doorbell.  You would've thought he was one direction standing at our door.  Screams echoed the hall and the poor guy was left standing on the porch in shock.  I smiled, paid and quickly handed out the pizza.  Every.Single.Piece.Was.Eaten. -- What???

The night carried on and y'all engaged in hilarious conversations, caroling in the driveway, rocking out to Just Dance 4 on Wii, eating various types of snacks, pizza and drinks as well as taking fun photos in the white box (see below).

You received a nerf gun for your birthday from Cooper and y'all decided to take it out and play with it.  It ended up in Kayla's hands and before we knew it -- Rosy Bob had become the target of a girls sleepover and Kayla was shooting at your elf while the girls surrounded the tree laughing and rooting her on.  You too, were in the middle of the fun and enjoyed watching your elf get shot down by your own nerf gun.  As the fun continued, he eventually started to fall and then finally did fall to the bottom of the tree.  Your friend picked it up and while I started to panic.  I quickly said in a laughing voice "drop it, drop it.  You can't touch the elf or he'll lose his magic powers."  She threw the elf into the kitchen and as I turned around you were running to my bedroom in tears.  You were truly saddened and worried the elf had lost his magical powers.

Still in a panic, I quickly grabbed the book and said if you read the book again, your elf will regain it's magical powers.  I have to say, I've never seen you so eager to read a book.  Y'all read the book and we grabbed a spoon from the kitchen, picked him up and placed him in a candy dish up on our book case.  whew! HE WAS SAFE AGAIN!

The slumber party carried on and you shared a few more laughs and stories with your friends.  In the morning, y'all woke up eager to see where and if the elf had moved.  You quickly discovered he had rolled down the stairs in a roll of toilet paper and everyone shared in the joy and spirit of your elf, Rosy Bob.

I sent text updates to daddy and he laughed so hard he cried.  And on this day, your ninth birthday -- we saw you experience the moments we've always hoped you would have.

Happy Ninth "Golden" Birthday Ashley!  May it be one of your best memories yet!

snug as a bug in a rug

I remember years ago,
you were so little then.
Sometimes,
I can't help but wish,
that you were small again.
I've cried when you've faced rejection,
and saw, that as you grew,
nothing broke your Spirit,
instead it strengthened you.
I'm filled with mixed emotions,
as I hold back all the tears
and, with much pride remember,
back so many years.
When I first held you in my arms,
if only I'd have known,
the years would feel like moments,
after you had grown.
You're still a child,
though in my eyes,
I guess you'll always be,
that baby girl who changed my life,
and means the world to me.

Source: Though You Are Grown, Growing Up Poem http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/though-you-are-grown#ixzz2F6ZywPbC
www.FamilyFriendPoems.com

the many lessons of life in less than a week

It has been a tough week in our household.  Lessons are being learned each and every day. They are tough lessons for us all but necessary and all part of the growing up process.  Patience, respect, dedication, honesty, self control and self awareness are some of the lessons being taught and learned.  I never imagined we'd have to go through all of them in one week but then again I also never imagined parenting would be this hard on any one day.

While I doubt myself and my parenting skills on a weekly basis, I do know that I am stronger because I am a parent. I too was taught these skills as a child but have had to re-learn or revamp how I use them to establish and maintain my relationship with our little girl.

She challenges every ounce of my patience each and every day and somehow, somewhere I grow a little more patience...just enough that I can get through the day.

Another big lesson our family has encountered in the past nine years is rejection and how to deal with it when you are faced with it on a daily basis.

Sure, everyone at many times in their lives is faced with rejection and the fear of rejection.  I have to say I had my fair share as a child and well into my teens and young college life.  I'd lost out on homecoming queen in 10th grade or didn't make varsity my sophomore year when one of my very best friends did and I was laid off from my first job out of college.  It's part of life.  It happens; however, I never imagined the rejection my daughter receives on a daily basis would be far more crippling than any rejection I ever experienced.

As we travel through the minutes, hours, days and weeks, I find myself searching for the right way to teach, accept and re-learn the many lessons of life.  Even as an adult, I find it tough.  There really is no right and wrong answer.  I simply wake up each day and do the best I can with what I have for that day.  And just like other things in life, we have our good days and our bad days.  With each lesson learned though, we become a little better, grow a little bigger and appreciate each other a little more.

something real.....

oh parenthood. you. get. life - my life. 

so fragile, yet so fun. so emotional, yet so empowering. 

Ashley - From tonight's episode I learned that I need to let you spread your wings and fly.  You don't need to write your story on a piece of paper because everyone else is doing it....tell it how you wish... afterall, it's your story.

Today, you became a part of something new, something greater and something you chose.  New beginnings are tough for us.  We've seen so many past excitements, hopes, dreams go by the wayside because of challenges you have had with social environments.  And just like everyday these past few months, I saw something different, I saw a twinkle.  it's sounds so cliche but it's true.  At gymnastics today, you lit up like you do when you ride a roller coaster.  This emotion is real. very real.  I absolutely love seeing it.  When I see it, you are unstoppable, fearless -- on top of the world.

Just like your very first competitive game four years ago, I hope you will remember today and the way it felt to step out, have fun and become empowered to be the best you can be!  You are on your way girl!!  yes. you. are.

I just love you...

- love you for the crazy way you jump out of the car in the morning and scream until you reach your school's front door. 
- love how you think your orange gatorade mustache is cool and should stay the entire day because there is no reason to wipe it off.  Afterall, you will be drinking more later.
- love how you nurture those who need it most and look for nothing in return.
- love your outside of the box thinking skills and when you say, "See, I'm an outside the box thinker."
- love your ambition.  you have it.  lots of it.