when are we gonna set this circus down?

A few years back I ran across a friend who looked me square in the eyes and told me I had to find the good in every little thing Ashley did instead of harp on or seek out the bad.  I took her advice into consideration and began to change my way of thinking and little by little I taught myself to do just that!  If you ask me how Ashley is doing -- I will tell you she is her best self yet! 

While this is true, I still feel like we are a family running a circus act, juggling the unknowns and new challenges of Ashley's various neurological disorders.  The act of preparing her medicine each day cripples us and has us constantly asking questions and seeking alternate methods to help Ashley continue to be her best self.  How at age 9 can a child possibly need 5+ pills a day and what does this constant dosage of medicine do to her poor little body?

We eagerly went into the hospital today for an EEG with the hopes the doctor would see no seizures and take Ashley off of the anti-seizure medicine she has been taken for years now.  Her EEG came back significantly better than her last EEG; however, Ashley had an active seizure while in the doctors office.  The worst part is that I had no idea she was having a seizure and my response was she does this all the time.  What?  How could I not know this was a seizure?  I felt horrible and at the same time I was mad--mad at those seizures.  I just wish they would go away.

The doctor made a few changes to her medicine intake and we were on our way.  We've been to a few specialist in the past few weeks and they made some recommendations we are putting into place but I can't help but wonder when are we gonna set this circus down.  I realize Ashley has it a lot better than most patients we see in the neurologist office but can't help but hope her little brain will mature and develop as it should and that Ashley can live a normal life free of medicine, doctors visits, social awkwardness and dependance of others.

I'm hopeful.